Weight goes down, but fear goes up
In a recent discussion with my dietician I learned how much “weight” I put on numbers. And I don’t think I am alone. It seems, somewhere in my life I attached meaning on a number (my weight) as if it represented a part of my identity. Even more so, what a number could mean, if I actually reached it-I’d be happier, more fulfilled, more successful…once I attained my ideal weight.
The original idea was to lose 10 pounds (funny, I don’t even know where I came up with that number, but I believed it was magic). Even though I was in a “healthy” weight zone, I was consumed with the idea of what it would feel like to be 10 pounds lighter. Especially when it seemed like everyone around me was on some sort of diet-Suzanne Summers, Weight Watchers, Cabbage Soup, Atkins (there really is no lack of program to choose from these days). Yet once I made the leap and decided to go for it something changed. Suddenly, food was no longer a basic need- it was a calorie with a numeric value. Cracker = 100 calories, Apple = 50 calories, the giant, yummy chocolate chip cookie at Starbucks = 400 calories. Nothing could enter my mouth without me thinking about what it would do to my goal.
The thing is, as the diet progressed, I did lose weight-on my body, but I also gained something- fear. I was so afraid of failing the diet-which in turn meant I would never know it meant to be the “happy, fulfilled, successful” Desiree. Soon, I missed my Friday night vino, dinner parties became stressful, and hunger made me feel guilty. I took conscious awareness of food intake to a whole other level. Sure the diet was working, and I was loosing weight, but I was terrified what would happen if I got stopped. The weight of losing became so heavy, that it was no longer a goal-rather, an obsession. And the greater question was I happier? Fulfilled? Successful?
In a compilation of stories about society and body image, “The Good Body” by Eve Ensler posed the question “imagine what would happen, if we channeled all the time and energy we spend thinking about what we weigh, and poured that in to something creative?!” Just think…how would your life be different. Quite a thought isn’t it?
That was when I decided to visit a dietician. She taught me about lasting change, and how to educate myself on the relation between food and body. More so, she helped me realize that a number, is just a number-it’s what we attach to it that has the weight. As well, all our bodies have a set weight that it naturally goes to. When you’re doing all the right things; working out, making smart choices, and focusing on a healthy lifestyle – your body knows where it needs to go. It’s our minds that take us in other directions. I figure, now, letting go of what the number means, and losing extra mental worry is probably, the best kind of diet for me.
© Desiree Daniel May 12, 2005
The original idea was to lose 10 pounds (funny, I don’t even know where I came up with that number, but I believed it was magic). Even though I was in a “healthy” weight zone, I was consumed with the idea of what it would feel like to be 10 pounds lighter. Especially when it seemed like everyone around me was on some sort of diet-Suzanne Summers, Weight Watchers, Cabbage Soup, Atkins (there really is no lack of program to choose from these days). Yet once I made the leap and decided to go for it something changed. Suddenly, food was no longer a basic need- it was a calorie with a numeric value. Cracker = 100 calories, Apple = 50 calories, the giant, yummy chocolate chip cookie at Starbucks = 400 calories. Nothing could enter my mouth without me thinking about what it would do to my goal.
The thing is, as the diet progressed, I did lose weight-on my body, but I also gained something- fear. I was so afraid of failing the diet-which in turn meant I would never know it meant to be the “happy, fulfilled, successful” Desiree. Soon, I missed my Friday night vino, dinner parties became stressful, and hunger made me feel guilty. I took conscious awareness of food intake to a whole other level. Sure the diet was working, and I was loosing weight, but I was terrified what would happen if I got stopped. The weight of losing became so heavy, that it was no longer a goal-rather, an obsession. And the greater question was I happier? Fulfilled? Successful?
In a compilation of stories about society and body image, “The Good Body” by Eve Ensler posed the question “imagine what would happen, if we channeled all the time and energy we spend thinking about what we weigh, and poured that in to something creative?!” Just think…how would your life be different. Quite a thought isn’t it?
That was when I decided to visit a dietician. She taught me about lasting change, and how to educate myself on the relation between food and body. More so, she helped me realize that a number, is just a number-it’s what we attach to it that has the weight. As well, all our bodies have a set weight that it naturally goes to. When you’re doing all the right things; working out, making smart choices, and focusing on a healthy lifestyle – your body knows where it needs to go. It’s our minds that take us in other directions. I figure, now, letting go of what the number means, and losing extra mental worry is probably, the best kind of diet for me.
© Desiree Daniel May 12, 2005
posted by Desiree Daniel @ 3:18 PM
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