Traveling Back In Time

When I was a kid we went on a family holiday every year. Unlike many of my friends who traveled to places like Disneyland or Hawaii, we went on road trips. Unlike my friends who were meeting Mickey Mouse, we visited 50 of our closest distant relatives. Unlike my friends who were basking in the summer heat, we were cooking in an unconditioned car. Yes, summer vacations were a special time. The five us packed in a 1980 station wagon, westward bound all for the love of family.

Funny thing as you get older family trips become a thing of the past. They are the stories you tell and the memories you miss. So when I had the opportunity to go with my parents to Mexico I jumped on board. I just didn’t realize that I would also be traveling back in time.

Apparently parents stay your parents no matter how old you are. I don’t know what I was expecting…but as an independent twenty eight year old (who has lived on her own for over ten years) –I didn’t really think we’d revert back to the household dynamics of the past. But we did.

First there was the “oh my gosh did they just do that?” My parents have this strange habit of asking awkward and detailed questions to people who barely speak English. And the more the confused the person seems to get, the more words they seem to use, “Oh this food is just excellent, where does the recipe originate and what’s in this loaf?” my mother asks the young bus boy who had troubles saying hello in our language. “Mom, he doesn’t speak English.” I suggest as he looks at her blankly. So she continues, a little louder and much slower, “This bread. How do you make it?”

Second there was the ”oh my gosh did they just say that?!” As the saying goes, “When in Rome do as the Romans do”. My dad takes this to heart from where we stay to where we eat. He loves to dive in the culture. Right down to the language. Unfortunately, he doesn’t take the time perfect the pronunciation so even though good evening is buenas noches in Spanish, anyone that crossed dad’s path was saluted a hearty “Bonus Nachos!”

And third there was the “oh my gosh, stop worrying! I’m 28!” Spending days with mom and dad also meant my time was accounted for. When you’re used to coming and going as you please, it feels strange to suddenly have the “where are you off too? What time will you be back?” It puts a different mood on the evening when you know your mom and dad are staying up to make sure you get home safe and get home alone.

Yes, it was an interesting adventure spending morning, noon and night in a small bungalow, in Mexico with mom and dad. But I guess the difference between traveling with my parents as a kid and as an adult is that now it’s my choice. It’s pretty cool to be 28 and choose to hang out with your mom and dad because you really enjoy their company, not just cause they are your parents. Plus, sometimes the real vacation is just feeling like a kid again.

© Desiree Daniel February 24, 2006

Ask and Receive

Last week I received an email asking, “What does the universe have to prove that it hasn’t already proved?” In other words, do we know all we need to? Brilliant question. I was once told that we have all the resources necessary, to work through any situation. It’s in you already. You just have to dig deep enough to find the answers. Everything you need is right in front of you, the real question is – do you trust it is there? And can you see it?

Ask and you shall receive, once you release any disbelief. Ok, so I decided to test out the happenings in my life. Because quite frankly after months of leaving it to the universe with no significant changes, I didn’t really feel like anything was happening at all. Like “bring a new car too me?!” Apparently that was out – no brand new Volvo appeared outside my window. “A best selling novel” – well the agencies haven’t emailed me yet. “Future husband” – no. And yes, I needed it to prove the universe was there and that it heard me.

“Take small steps Desiree, don’t ask for everything at once.” Was my mother’s advice…”just ask for something small and then pay attention to what is out there.”

Small Steps. Small Steps. Ironically, while watching “What Not To Wear” on TLC I noticed a very dynamic step. A hot pair of red paten stilettos. The makeover had just introduced them. The last thing I needed was a pair of red paten stilettos but man did they look good. So, I asked the universe, “If you are indeed listening…lead me to those exact shoes. Here, in Kelowna. Today.”

I headed out to find these magical pair of slippers. Five different shoe stores later there was nothing. Dorothy was not in Kansas. I wasn’t surprised, for many reasons What Not to Wear is in New York, and they have anything in NY. But mostly the universe just didn’t hear me. On my drive home, discouraged, I noticed the “Shoe Warehouse”. I wanted to keep driving in protest of not getting my way. But decided to take one final look. Sandals, boots, flip flops. And then, like the holy light in aisle 7, the shine of red paten caught my eye. It was the exact pair. Red. Stiletto. Beautiful. Of course, they didn’t have my size…but I didn’t care. It wasn’t about the shoe.

It’s almost as if we constantly need proof to believe that the Universe is here working with us. Even when we know it, we constantly test it to make sure it’s still there. It’s there. You just need to take the trusting steps to feel it. Ask and you shall receive. But as Julia Cameron so beautifully explained, that in the pursuit for trust you must let go of what you think it looks like. When you want something, you put the actions out there and while you “may have to shake a lot of apple trees don’t be surprised to shake an apple tree and get an orange in return.” (still waiting for that Volvo to appear).© Desiree Daniel February 10, 2006

Quarter Life Crisis

When I turned 25 - an email miraculously appeared in my inbox titled “A Quarter Life Crisis”. Yes, it was one of those “Fwds” probably on its tenth round, but I took it as a sign. An answer to the “what am I doing with my life” question that tormented me at the time. The essay was quite beautiful; a manifesto of sorts…written, no doubt, by someone who was either in the middle of the crisis or had just made it out alive.

The piece spoke about transition and growth –to find your own way. It described identity-to declare who you really are. For me, it was a dose of calm. I needed direction and this was my daily peace. When things didn’t seem as they should I’d read A Quarter Life Crisis and suddenly everything was OK. The problem is that you don’t stay 25 or in the quarter of your life for more than 365 days. You get older and new things surface.

So when I hit a breaking point last week…this old antidote just didn’t work anymore. My emotions had snapped unlike ever before. It went a little something like this – I DON’T HAVE BUTTER IN MY FRIDGE! I am 28 and I don’t have butter in my fridge. My friends like to use butter when they visit, and I don’t have any. (Not that it really mattered, but I was tired of “not having” and this was the trigger.) I don’t have a car that runs properly (it’s just waiting for its pension so it can retire for good). I don’t have furniture that matches. I don’t have shelves that hold books. I don’t have, I don’t have, I don’t have. And I most definitely do not have butter in my fridge. (It seemed that if perhaps all the other pieces in life were going as planned…there would be butter in the fridge?)

Which is when I realized that I was amidst another crisis. A “being 28” life crisis. Just waiting for a Fwd to come through with an answer to this one, because I’m finding 28 an awkward phase in life. At this point you’re supposed to have learned from the past. Certain excuses don’t fly anymore. And for all intense purposes your stuff should be sorted. Not quite 30…far from 20…and there’s no going back.

My eclectic group of friends who are well in to their thirties, forties, and even fifties laugh at me – they think I’m melodramatic. “28 is young! You have tons of time!” I appreciate the perspective but in honesty, none of us know how much time any of us have. The only certainty is that the older you are there is a guarantee you have less time than before.

This is an age of “not enough” – where comparison is the plague. You judge what you don’t have versus focusing on what you do. When I was young I believed that by now I’d be married, with a big house and lots of kids. Instead I’m single, renting, and still feel like a kid. Not that I am complaining, I choose my life and my style. But it makes me wonder…am I falling behind? Am I running out of time? Am I less because I “don’t have” everything I thought I wanted? I don’t know. All I can do is take count of what I do have and believe it is exactly enough. And believe I have all the resources I need to be happy in my life, right now. . That, and get myself some butter.

©Desiree Daniel January 13, 2006

Ignorance Is Bliss

Ignorance is bliss. I never understood this concept before; it seemed like a contradiction in terms. Don’t we want to be in the know? Maybe no. The nature of “not knowing” allows you to behave freely. How liberating - to do things without the question of meaning.

The last decade of my life has been focused on “being aware” - look beyond the obvious and uncover purpose. Although interesting the pursuit to understand - is exhausting (and a little addictive – love those tarot cards). Once you start asking there is always another question to follow. Why did it happen? What does it mean? What did I learn… etcetera, etcetera.

When you linger in constant analysis – everything means something. And so, it becomes frustrating to see people - who don’t seek answers – get what they didn’t ask for. Like watching the health risk unfold with each drive thru or the heartbreaker jump from relationship to relationship – with no consciousness to change. Oblivious to a natural pattern they have chosen to create.

But being aware, you see it. You see it in yourself and you see it in others. You want to show, teach, explain, scream, sing, email – or do what ever it takes to open the eyes that are comfortably shut. Share the insight that will perhaps offer the slightest or drastic shift needed to make a positive difference.

Not everyone wants to receive it though. That is a reality and ignorance is bliss. A counselor once explained “they are behaving exactly as they should given their level of awareness.” As they live, I worry. As they experience, I question. As they accept, I analyze. Perhaps not everyone is meant to dissect life into tiny molecules of existence? Perhaps a heartbreak that instigated a new direction in my life wasn’t a lesson for everyone…but rather, just for me.

Sometimes, when you’ve learned a difficult lesson you have to ask– why? It’s a way to cope. But once you grasp the meaning, there is no turning back (even if you want to). You can’t pretend to not know what you know. Well, you can but than you’re a liar. The idea of being oblivious to the obvious is romantic – like untouched innocence. Living without thinking – open to anything without fear. Wouldn’t it be nice to be there again? Yes. I guess ignorance could be bliss, if I didn’t know any better.

© Desiree Daniel January 6, 2006

When Patience Becomes Waiting

What happens when patience becomes waiting?

Patience is a virtue. When embraced, it becomes part of your personal power, a deep-rooted disposition that guides you through life. Spiritual leaders, mentors, mothers – master the art of patience. Whether self-imposed or not, they’ve been enlightened and understand this delicate skill. Me?! Yeah, not so much.

There were many things I wanted to be when I grew up, and patient was one of them. Actually, let me rephrase. Growing up, there were many things I wanted and I wanted it pronto. To run, before I could crawl. To own before I could work. To be a success without doing anything. Apparently that is not how the journey works. They tell me, I have to stand “here”, before I get “there”. And in the midst of all the hankerings, one answer will remain constant (it has since I was 4 years old), “Desiree, be patient.”

“Be patient”. Wow, that seems to be the solution for everything – for all the things I crave and don’t have. And I have gotten better at this endurance – knowing that I don’t really have any say in the uncontrollable. But at this point, the real question is, when does patience become waiting?

A ponder that arose over morning breakfast. My friend started up on her past relationship, one that ebbed and flowed over four years of her life. Finally, it floated, away. She explained that changes needed to be made. And he knew that. But time passed, with lots of talk, but nothing was ever different. She told me that she is an extremely patient person, but sometimes her patience becomes waiting. It was wasted energy on something that wasn’t going to be.

In life, patience can be a great ache. How do you “be” patient? Webster says patience is “enduring trying circumstances with an even temper, without protest or complaint” (sounds simple on paper, let’s see how easy that is when you have three kids screaming, the phone is ringing, and you’re waiting for dinner to be ready). It’s a state-which means you have to find that feeling for you. It’s a hard one to grasp, because there is no “one-way” – it’s your way. Waiting on the other hand is simply, not acting; remaining in active. Are they one in the same? Well, sometimes waiting is what we need to do, in order to be patient. And other times, like my friend, it means it’s time to stop waiting, and move on. If you’re like me, and having trouble finding peace in patience, don’t give up. It’s there, in you, somewhere. After all, good things come to those who wait.

© Desiree Daniel November 24, 2005

Singleton

As one of the many neighbors in singlehood – I want to make sense of the land I live in. Watch, ask, listen…to the other singletons, just to ensure I am doing things right. But sometimes I get stuck. Single life. Please help me understand the rules to this secret society. For instance, is there such thing as “the one”?

The romantic side says – absolutely! How could there not be? Hollywood wouldn’t lie! From Jerry (you complete me) Maguire, to When Harry (guys and girls can’t be friends) Met Sally – we were raised to believe that every soul has a mate. And when you make the match you’ll know. How will you know? Well, when Faith Hill met husband Tim McGraw she said, “it felt like home” – a comfort that just fit; Cinderella to a glass slipper.

The idealist side says – absolutely not! (And stop comparing love to Hollywood). It’s about the moment. No longer is there a Mr. And Mrs. Right; it’s about Mr. And Mrs. Right Now. For if you believe in love at first sight, you will never stop looking. A mentor once shared that the idea of only one person for your lifetime, is a false hope. Even if you marry – there will be many people to love in different ways. It’s about trusting the moment and that where you are now is where you are meant to be.

Personally, each side offers an attractive argument. Which is where the confusion sets in. A debate with no real winner. Do you hold out for the one? Create a list of standards and wait (patiently) for the moment it all comes together with the right person. Or, do you go with the moment and explore the now? As a friend so delicately symbolized “you gotta kiss a lot of toads before you find a prince.” (And apparently it’s ok if some toads were only meant for kissing).

See, the irony in being a single is that we are usually on the lookout for a double. A person to fulfill a lifetime peace, or a piece of a lifetime; it’s nice to share time with another human being. So goes the search for “the one”. Does the one really exist? I believe it does, if you let it. Whether a romantic or an idealist – “the one” represents what matters to you. An intrigue that keeps you interested. Sometimes the one- the intrigue- can last an entire life span, other times it only lasts a coffee. Your power is in knowing when you want it, when you have it, and when you no longer need it. (As an aside for all the other singletons out there…I’ve decided the only true rule in being single is that you get to make it up as you go along, since…the essence of being single (one) it’s really all about you).
“The less you fall for the person everyone knows, and find the person no one knows, the more connected you become.”

A Little Piece on Embarrassment

It’s common to judge our actions after the fact. There is a reason why hindsight is twenty – twenty. If only I knew then, what I know now -life would be so much easier. But, you can’t turn back time and what’s done is done. There’s no need to feel the embarrassment of awkward situations (tripping in front of rush hour traffic). Right?! So, I find comfort in the theory that sometimes we do things to know we won’t do them again. It happened so we can learn from it (wear comfortable shoes and be cognizant of each step until you are safe on the other side of the road) and move on. Hopefully.

Embarrassment. We’ve all tangled ourselves in its web of self-consciousness. Those haunting moments that prove we may just be human – and not perfect. Thus in honor of being humbled I’ve compiled a list of things I hope I have learned from and therefore will not do again.

1. Making decisions after a few glasses of wine. Yes, this may seem like common sense but for some reason everything makes sense after a beverage. Like singing karaoke with no back up music…for example. But the lesson came to a head last week when my buddy and I decided to go to Capote-post vino. Some words of advice, don’t watch an intense drama after drinking an intense red. As a result, I fell asleep. And when asked to review the details of this golden globe nominee, about a North American icon, all I could say was “I need to watch it again, to really absorb the finer points of the film.”

2. Lip syncing with the curtains open. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining, and the music was blaring. I felt the urge to sing and dance and my mirror played the role of “audience” on my make belief stage. It wasn’t until I opened my eyes in mid lyric that I noticed another image in my mirror – that of a neighbour watching me from outside. Apparently if you can see out of the window…people can also see in.

3. Listening to myself on voice mail. I now realize - you leave messages for a reason. To leave it – not to revisit it over and over. There is a magical option on voice mail that allows you to listen to yourself and ensure your message is just perfect. Once I discovered this tool I became addicted. During the first dates with a new guy I utilized the feature “hey it’s Des…yada, yada, yada” (reviewed it – yikes-didn’t like the sound-redo) “hi, it’s Desiree how are you….yada yada yada” (reviewed it- yikes-didn’t like the sound-redo). Four times I went through this process, each one with a slightly different feel. What I didn’t know was that the person on the other line could in fact his screen calls and also listen to the “redo”. Finally he cut in and asked rather sarcastically “are you going to leave a message or not?”
Yes, there have been many occasions that I have learned from. At least that is what I tell myself when I cringe with feelings of “ew”. I am finding the more I get embarrassed, the less embarrassed I get. Especially when you can use the

A Year to Reflect

Happy New Year

“Five hundred, twenty five thousand, six hundred minutes -how do you measure a year in the life?”

Today I write in honor of 2005 with the musical Rent as my inspiration. This beautiful story of love sings about a collection of minutes– that make up a year, a life. Each day, each moment is a reflection of your life and your choices. It’s all in how you measure it - In daylights? In sunsets? In midnights? In cups of coffee?” With five hundred, twenty five thousand, six hundred minutes – what was 2005 for you?

Last December I wrote a “2005 manifesto” - a detailed list of goals dedicated for the New Year. I sit here now, in disbelief that yet another three hundred and sixty five days have moved in and out of me. This proposal I wrote for myself (a declaration to succeed), is only half completed. Only a portion can be ticked off as “completed”. Didn’t quite accomplish all I set out to do…but for some reason, this year, I am ok with that.

Something has changed. The things I wrote down a year ago have a different meaning today. Perhaps it’s the giddy lyrics of a musical that take me out of a mental stress, and release me into emotional freedom. “There is only this, there are only us, no day like today.” With a list of tangible goals in front of me, it’s the peace in knowing that I put energy into each one, even though some didn’t manifest. Being content with what I did do, the effort I put out is the most satisfying goal I’ve accomplished to date. An aspiration, I never even knew I wanted.

When we were young, we measured growth by our height, our weight and our ability to “do” things. As an adult, it seems the subtleties are what make a difference. Growth becomes an evolution of emotion and understanding. Sometimes, I’m amazed to think about the person I was a year ago, a month ago, even a week ago…and notice all the little lessons that crossed my path. It’s easy to feel far away from that girl.

A friend once referred to this as his “past life” – the person he was a lifetime ago. The girl I was a year ago. The person I am today. It’s nice to know that even when if feels like we aren’t moving forward, we can reflect on time, and see how far we’ve come. Many things can happen in five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes, and it goes by fast. So like a clock, make each second count. And Happy New Year to you all!

© Desiree Daniel December 1, 2005

A Beautiful Revolution?

A Beautiful Revolution?

Blonde wigs tossed high in he air, “flaws” honored with smiles and laughter, bodies of all shapes and sizes. Since the inception of Dove’s Campaign For Real Beauty, women are finally challenging the public idea of beauty. Rather than using a cookie cutter image of female branding – Dove is marketing real women. Perfect in their imperfections. A fact of life-that media and outside stereotypes have disguised for far too long. Now, Dove is challenges those ideals and recognizes natural women. Perhaps this is the start of a beautiful – revolution.

Personally, this movement is very close to my heart. When I worked as a life coach, most of my time focused on helping women claim their confidence and power. Women who wanted to be ok with their J-Lo butt, or love handle tummy. But felt denied of that right, because TV, magazines, billboards…said otherwise. What happens to confidence when images claimed as “normal” don’t look anything like you?

That’s been the challenge. For individuals to find beautiful in what they are, not what they aren’t. Sadly, many women are afraid of their bodies because of false representation. I always wondered what life would be like without mirrors to judge. Would we recognize our differences? Or would we honor them?

Last year at the Women Wrapped in Chocolate Fundraiser, Rhonda Draper, a powerful speaker, shared her personal story. Moments before her presentation, my friend and I were complaining about how we looked (the typical – don’t like my arms, don’t like my hips in this dress etc etc). As she spoke – the audience listened. Rhonda survived a horrific car crash, but had to have her face completely reconstructed. She told us about the surgeries, and the pain and the fear of feeling ugly. Her true battle was not in recovering from the ordeal, but in rather finding a true place of beauty inside. I am not sure one person blinked in the forty minutes it took her to describe her victory. We all felt her words. And suddenly, I felt so fortunate to have my body (hips and all) that I was mortified by the dishonor to myself only minutes before.

If what you have right now, was taken away from you, would losing an extra 10 pounds, or having smaller thighs really matter? We’ve all heard it before, I challenge you to believe it – beautiful is a state of being. An acceptance. Find power in your imperfections and feel confident with what you have to offer. And may be, we can help transform the idea of beauty and really create a beautiful revolution.

© Desiree Daniel December 1, 2005

Will What You Do Today - Effect Your Life Tomorrow?

Will what you do today effect your life tomorrow? (kind of sounds like an ad for a financial institution doesn’t it?). This has been the theme in my life as of late. Making an impact. Just yesterday a friend said to me, rather melancholy, “I just don’t feel like what I do matters.” Sometimes it’s hard to grasp that we are making a difference. Especially when we don’t feel it for many years later.

This topic sparked when I came across a familiar face the other day. Couldn’t place it though. Something about him was distinct enough for me to notice. I had indeed met this person before. My gut said university…but it seemed closer than that. Luckily, my colleague knew him so I had an in – to solve this mystery. Conversation unveiled that a few years back, we had been at a mutual gathering, hosted by a mutual friend (ironically titled the ‘6 degrees of separation’ party). True, it was a good enough explanation for the knowing feeling, but I still wasn’t convinced that was where I knew him.

“Did you go to UBC” – I asked. Yes. (ok so that narrows it done somewhat) “Where you in Commerce?” Yes. (ok, I had friends in business, so we were getting closer). “Did you live in residence?” Yes…in a Fraternity. Suddenly, clarity rushed through me like a back chill. Everything came together.

Almost ten years ago at the ripe age of nineteen I began my facilitation career working with the Education Outreach program at UBC. It was a very exciting time. We were a group of passionate students who provided information for healthy living on campus. We were given the opportunity to write and facilitate numerous workshops for residences at UBC. The frat house was my very first client. There were a couple of reasons why I knew I’d never forget that experience 1) It was the first workshop I had ever done and 2) The topic was sexual health. It’s an intimating subject anyway, but to talk about it to a room of fifty guys my own age…

When I brought it up by chance, it was indeed his frat house and he actually remembered the night. We laughed about it, I told him how nervous I was (especially considering the fact they were having a keg party right after). His reply…”Really? Wow you didn’t come across that way at all, you handled yourself really well. I remember that.”

Ten years ago, I recall looking in the mirror right before the workshop somewhat petrified. Why oh why did I have to be doing this workshop, at a frat house?! I’d rather party with these guys then teach safe sex. Mortifying. But I trusted that there was a reason why I was doing what I was doing. If not for them, then at least for me. I knew that if I could get through that, there wasn’t much I couldn’t do. Speaking in public got a lot easier after that night; it shocked embarrassment right out of my system. What you do today does matter tomorrow. Even if takes ten years to figure that out. It may not always feel that way in the moment, but in the end it all means something.

Relationships - The hottest topic out there?

Relationships. This is what life is really about. Maybe that is why the pursuit for “relationship” is one of the hottest topics out there. The market for relationship seekers is everywhere – magazines, TV, heck even online is dating. Unless you’ve been living in a cave (not the mars cave that Mr. Grey so delicately taught us about), but rather a secluded hole away from society, you’ll notice how concentrated our conscious is on finding love.

Last weekend, while browsing through my personal temple (Chapters), I gravitated towards a particular table labeled ‘relationships”. Intrigued, I checked out the scene…only to find a showcase of new titles, piled overtop one another just screaming for attention. Apparently, even the books were looking for someone to share a relationship with. There seemed to be a common theme happening- “He’s Just Not That Into You: The No Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys”, “It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken: The Smart Girl’s Breakup Buddy”, “Be Honest: You’re Not That Into Him Either: Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve”. Wow. Ok. Is there something us gals aren’t getting? I mean these are statements, not book titles. Has it really come to this? To be so dam blunt, in order for us to actually understand there is something not quite right about our approach.

Perhaps my feelers were a little more sensitive than usual, since I was on route to a wedding - the first of six that I will attend this year. And I question why some people seem to be on par with relationships, while others aren’t? Or maybe it’s because everyone around me seems to be talking about relationships, searching for a love that will change everything.

The thing is we are at a time in our life when we don’t need to be with someone to survive. Independence is a reality. Now, we can actually choose, who we want to be with. And that makes a big difference in how we do things. What we want and what we won’t settle for. So we search.

Louise Hay wrote that love comes when we least expect it. Hunting for love never brings the right partner – it only creates longing and unhappiness. In fact love or the right person comes, when you are actively living, as the person you want to be. Interesting. I asked my friend (recently in love) about this, and he said, Des, unfortunately in life, very few will actually see your true value and worth, so make sure you always do. You are the one thing to always believe in, when you question if there is anything.

At the core, relationship is defined as a particular type of connection existing between people, or having dealings with each other. We have relationships with everything. We have relationships with our family, with our friends, with our work. But most importantly we have a relationship with our self. I guess if you become the person you desire, then really, you are creating the relationship you seek. The relationship with self is one of the harder ones to find. But it is there - I guess you just have to look at the self help table instead.

Relationships - The hottest topic out there?

Relationships. This is what life is really about. Maybe that is why the pursuit for “relationship” is one of the hottest topics out there. The market for relationship seekers is everywhere – magazines, TV, heck even online is dating. Unless you’ve been living in a cave (not the mars cave that Mr. Grey so delicately taught us about), but rather a secluded hole away from society, you’ll notice how concentrated our conscious is on finding love.

Last weekend, while browsing through my personal temple (Chapters), I gravitated towards a particular table labeled ‘relationships”. Intrigued, I checked out the scene…only to find a showcase of new titles, piled overtop one another just screaming for attention. Apparently, even the books were looking for someone to share a relationship with. There seemed to be a common theme happening- “He’s Just Not That Into You: The No Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys”, “It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken: The Smart Girl’s Breakup Buddy”, “Be Honest: You’re Not That Into Him Either: Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve”. Wow. Ok. Is there something us gals aren’t getting? I mean these are statements, not book titles. Has it really come to this? To be so dam blunt, in order for us to actually understand there is something not quite right about our approach.

Perhaps my feelers were a little more sensitive than usual, since I was on route to a wedding - the first of six that I will attend this year. And I question why some people seem to be on par with relationships, while others aren’t? Or maybe it’s because everyone around me seems to be talking about relationships, searching for a love that will change everything.

The thing is we are at a time in our life when we don’t need to be with someone to survive. Independence is a reality. Now, we can actually choose, who we want to be with. And that makes a big difference in how we do things. What we want and what we won’t settle for. So we search.

Louise Hay wrote that love comes when we least expect it. Hunting for love never brings the right partner – it only creates longing and unhappiness. In fact love or the right person comes, when you are actively living, as the person you want to be. Interesting. I asked my friend (recently in love) about this, and he said, Des, unfortunately in life, very few will actually see your true value and worth, so make sure you always do. You are the one thing to always believe in, when you question if there is anything.

At the core, relationship is defined as a particular type of connection existing between people, or having dealings with each other. We have relationships with everything. We have relationships with our family, with our friends, with our work. But most importantly we have a relationship with our self. I guess if you become the person you desire, then really, you are creating the relationship you seek. The relationship with self is one of the harder ones to find. But it is there - I guess you just have to look at the self help table instead.

We Are What We Eat

They say we are what we eat. What exactly does that mean? A group of us were sitting around eating our bagged lunches. In between conversation and chews, someone pulled out a cheese and Wonderbread sandwich. Suddenly one of the guys did a double take; his eyes popped out in disbelief “Is that white bread?!!!! Whoa! That is sooo last decade.” His astonishment was real, but we found it wildly amusing, since, in today’s diet, white bread seems to be the forbidden fruit. Old school snacks immediately became the topic-o-the-hour.

Cheezewhiz on soda crackers (so that when you squished it together the cheese would ooze through the holes), or even better, the little snack packs with the red spread stick, beans and weinies, Mr. Noodle (cooked or raw), Fruit Roll Ups, Zoodles, Sloppy Joes…the list went on and on. Thinking back, no matter how many times my mom wanted to be creative and make real macaroni and cheese (melted cheddar and pasta) – it was never as bright orange as good ol’ Kraft Dinner. And it lacked a certain…flavour that only came from KD. It just wasn’t the same. Those were the days. When eating was unconscious and “simulated” was a food group. When munchies were fun, even though they had no nutritional value what so ever.

Thankfully, my taste buds have evolved. I actually do enjoy a hearty, raw nut, cookie over Chips Ahoy and if I had to pick, I’d choose a fresh fruit smoothie over ice cream any day. Perhaps it’s a part of growing up. Realizing the reason our parents bought trail mix -when what we screaming for-were chips. There is a great difference between foods that give energy, and foods that reap it.

Which is why, now, I seek out goodies that I know my body will thrive on. My mother tried to engrain this in me years ago (she’d hide chunks of tofu in my noodle soup). But I didn’t really catch on until after university, when jugs of raw juice replaced pitchers of beer. The Urban Oasis on Pandosy, is an organic juice bar that blends daily concoctions for what ever your need is– tired, low, hung over (I didn’t say I gave up all my bad habits), there is a magical creation for it all. Unlike coffee, these juices replenish and give your body energy. Vitalize. Rejuvenate. It’s an addiction I am proud of. And the future of juicing goes far beyond cafes. Cherise, owner and juice doctor, has a dream of taking the juice bar to another level. Where raw juices would actually be the drink of choice at dance parties and clubs. Imagine that? People buzzing off their own energy; dizzy from antioxidants versus intoxicants. In addition, she feeds her customers with organic wraps, soups, sandwiches, and baking.

We need to get closer to the root, not farther from it. Nature made food in a certain state for a reason because it was good for us. Along the way, the taste of “real” was taken over by quick fix and convenience. Think about it, if we really are what we eat, I definitely want to be something real with longevity. What do you want to be? It’s your choice, so choose well and find the goods that put value into your body, instead of take it out.

A Greener Grass

We’re all familiar with the phrase “the grass is always greener on the other side”. In other words, we want what we can’t have. It’s an underlying plague that many of us experience everyday, in one way or another. Even if it’s a mere daydream, it’s there. A way to escape reality. Married people who wish they were single, single people who wish they were married. Women, who want a “good guy” but then when they get him, desperately miss the “bad guy”. People, who want freedom, people who want routine, people who want to loose weight, people who want to gain weight. It goes on and on. Why do we always want what we can’t have?

This topic came to light during an email with a reader who had just ended her relationship. She knew it was over. Their partnership had stagnated, and he could no longer give her what she needed. But, as time moved on, and she had to sit in her decision, her mind started to play games with her. “Was it really that bad? Would she ever meet anyone else? Was he the one?” The questions didn’t stop, probably ignited by the fact that his life went on without her.

Desperately, she began challenging her choice, and wondering if she had made the right decision. Even though, deep down, she knew she had. Her inquiry to me, was simply…why is the grass always greener on the other side?

When we don’t have something, we can make it into what ever we want it to be! Our minds are brilliant that way. The life we don’t have can seem absolutely flawless. Isn’t it refreshing to think life’s troubles, could disappear instantly by simply attaining the new job, the new partner, the new house, the new car…etc. etc. Whether it’s remembering how things once were, or fantasizing how things could be, we create those thoughts as pure perfection in order to feel fulfilled. Happy. Even if it is for a moment.

But is the grass really greener? Or is it in our minds? I do believe this is a syndrome of human kind, and must therefore be dealt with. For those of you fighting these symptoms, and wishing for a perfectly manicured lawn, first, take the time to appreciate what you do have and what you have accomplished in your life.

Secondly, if it is triggered because you are unhappy with an aspect in your life, then you need to do a reality check with what is missing. Lateral moves or changes (new job, partner, etc) don’t help unless you deal with the underlying issue. Be honest with yourself. Usually, there is a deep-rooted emotion related to a “not enough” feeling. Believing that you are either not enough to have what you want or what you have is not enough.

Some questions to ask yourself when the “grass is looking greener”-What will that give me that I don’t already have? What could I do with what I have that would give me the same fulfillment? Why do I believe it will be better on the other side? What if it’s not? Why don’t I have the “other side” now? Take a close look at your answers. You may be surprised. Is the grass really greener, or is it just a perfectly manicured field of astro turf? Be confident in your choices and trust your decisions, you made them for a reason.

Serendipity

Fate. The supposed force, or power that predetermines events. Some believe, many don’t. Those who do - trust life’s path is already set, nothing is a coincidence, and everything is part of a master plan. I am one of those people. And even though I feel we have powers of choice, I feel our life is destined. Perhaps it’s my comfort. An explanation, for happenings, that don’t otherwise make sense. Everything for a reason. Right? That is what I tell myself, but sometimes it’s still hard to trust.

Last weekend I met a person who made me believe, again, in fate. Not that I ever lost faith, but sometimes, when things aren’t always flowing as you wish they would, you get frustrated with the process. Before meeting him, for the brief time that I did, I had asked myself a question (out loud for the universe to hear). He answered the question with out even knowing there was a question to answer. And as he disappeared, into the crowd of the night, my life, my current situation, became clearer.

Even though it was only for a moment, the connection was instant. A feeling that made me pay attention -to me. And realize, wow. I really can have what I want. I just need the courage to say no to the things that aren’t fulfilling, and more importantly, declare yes, to the things that are.

And so now, as I desperately struggle to recapture that moment, in my mind, I find myself frustrated that it is over. Done. The brief butterfly that flew away and left a tiny wing to flutter. It had to be fate. Or else, I would feel really cheated from this feeling. A friend suggested, I was trying to hard. That is the problem. We hold on to keep these feelings alive and as a result, contain them. Cage the motion, instead of releasing it free into the open.

Moments (and relationships too -no matter how brief they may be) are fluid, like liquid. Yet we try to solidify them and make them concrete. When fate comes into your life, it’s to make you believe –in a person, or a feeling. But mostly, it arrives for you to believe in yourself. That it, what ever it is for you, really does exist. Unfortunately, once the moment goes away, life goes on. These amazing things happen, to us, but its still just about putting one foot in front of the other, and living the day to day. It’s kind of a hard reality to grasp when you get a taste of something fabulous, and it disappears. Or is it? Perhaps, fate is whether or not you’ve learned a lesson. And whether or not you integrate those moments in life, instead of resenting that they are over.