Traveling Back In Time

When I was a kid we went on a family holiday every year. Unlike many of my friends who traveled to places like Disneyland or Hawaii, we went on road trips. Unlike my friends who were meeting Mickey Mouse, we visited 50 of our closest distant relatives. Unlike my friends who were basking in the summer heat, we were cooking in an unconditioned car. Yes, summer vacations were a special time. The five us packed in a 1980 station wagon, westward bound all for the love of family.

Funny thing as you get older family trips become a thing of the past. They are the stories you tell and the memories you miss. So when I had the opportunity to go with my parents to Mexico I jumped on board. I just didn’t realize that I would also be traveling back in time.

Apparently parents stay your parents no matter how old you are. I don’t know what I was expecting…but as an independent twenty eight year old (who has lived on her own for over ten years) –I didn’t really think we’d revert back to the household dynamics of the past. But we did.

First there was the “oh my gosh did they just do that?” My parents have this strange habit of asking awkward and detailed questions to people who barely speak English. And the more the confused the person seems to get, the more words they seem to use, “Oh this food is just excellent, where does the recipe originate and what’s in this loaf?” my mother asks the young bus boy who had troubles saying hello in our language. “Mom, he doesn’t speak English.” I suggest as he looks at her blankly. So she continues, a little louder and much slower, “This bread. How do you make it?”

Second there was the ”oh my gosh did they just say that?!” As the saying goes, “When in Rome do as the Romans do”. My dad takes this to heart from where we stay to where we eat. He loves to dive in the culture. Right down to the language. Unfortunately, he doesn’t take the time perfect the pronunciation so even though good evening is buenas noches in Spanish, anyone that crossed dad’s path was saluted a hearty “Bonus Nachos!”

And third there was the “oh my gosh, stop worrying! I’m 28!” Spending days with mom and dad also meant my time was accounted for. When you’re used to coming and going as you please, it feels strange to suddenly have the “where are you off too? What time will you be back?” It puts a different mood on the evening when you know your mom and dad are staying up to make sure you get home safe and get home alone.

Yes, it was an interesting adventure spending morning, noon and night in a small bungalow, in Mexico with mom and dad. But I guess the difference between traveling with my parents as a kid and as an adult is that now it’s my choice. It’s pretty cool to be 28 and choose to hang out with your mom and dad because you really enjoy their company, not just cause they are your parents. Plus, sometimes the real vacation is just feeling like a kid again.

© Desiree Daniel February 24, 2006

Ask and Receive

Last week I received an email asking, “What does the universe have to prove that it hasn’t already proved?” In other words, do we know all we need to? Brilliant question. I was once told that we have all the resources necessary, to work through any situation. It’s in you already. You just have to dig deep enough to find the answers. Everything you need is right in front of you, the real question is – do you trust it is there? And can you see it?

Ask and you shall receive, once you release any disbelief. Ok, so I decided to test out the happenings in my life. Because quite frankly after months of leaving it to the universe with no significant changes, I didn’t really feel like anything was happening at all. Like “bring a new car too me?!” Apparently that was out – no brand new Volvo appeared outside my window. “A best selling novel” – well the agencies haven’t emailed me yet. “Future husband” – no. And yes, I needed it to prove the universe was there and that it heard me.

“Take small steps Desiree, don’t ask for everything at once.” Was my mother’s advice…”just ask for something small and then pay attention to what is out there.”

Small Steps. Small Steps. Ironically, while watching “What Not To Wear” on TLC I noticed a very dynamic step. A hot pair of red paten stilettos. The makeover had just introduced them. The last thing I needed was a pair of red paten stilettos but man did they look good. So, I asked the universe, “If you are indeed listening…lead me to those exact shoes. Here, in Kelowna. Today.”

I headed out to find these magical pair of slippers. Five different shoe stores later there was nothing. Dorothy was not in Kansas. I wasn’t surprised, for many reasons What Not to Wear is in New York, and they have anything in NY. But mostly the universe just didn’t hear me. On my drive home, discouraged, I noticed the “Shoe Warehouse”. I wanted to keep driving in protest of not getting my way. But decided to take one final look. Sandals, boots, flip flops. And then, like the holy light in aisle 7, the shine of red paten caught my eye. It was the exact pair. Red. Stiletto. Beautiful. Of course, they didn’t have my size…but I didn’t care. It wasn’t about the shoe.

It’s almost as if we constantly need proof to believe that the Universe is here working with us. Even when we know it, we constantly test it to make sure it’s still there. It’s there. You just need to take the trusting steps to feel it. Ask and you shall receive. But as Julia Cameron so beautifully explained, that in the pursuit for trust you must let go of what you think it looks like. When you want something, you put the actions out there and while you “may have to shake a lot of apple trees don’t be surprised to shake an apple tree and get an orange in return.” (still waiting for that Volvo to appear).© Desiree Daniel February 10, 2006

Quarter Life Crisis

When I turned 25 - an email miraculously appeared in my inbox titled “A Quarter Life Crisis”. Yes, it was one of those “Fwds” probably on its tenth round, but I took it as a sign. An answer to the “what am I doing with my life” question that tormented me at the time. The essay was quite beautiful; a manifesto of sorts…written, no doubt, by someone who was either in the middle of the crisis or had just made it out alive.

The piece spoke about transition and growth –to find your own way. It described identity-to declare who you really are. For me, it was a dose of calm. I needed direction and this was my daily peace. When things didn’t seem as they should I’d read A Quarter Life Crisis and suddenly everything was OK. The problem is that you don’t stay 25 or in the quarter of your life for more than 365 days. You get older and new things surface.

So when I hit a breaking point last week…this old antidote just didn’t work anymore. My emotions had snapped unlike ever before. It went a little something like this – I DON’T HAVE BUTTER IN MY FRIDGE! I am 28 and I don’t have butter in my fridge. My friends like to use butter when they visit, and I don’t have any. (Not that it really mattered, but I was tired of “not having” and this was the trigger.) I don’t have a car that runs properly (it’s just waiting for its pension so it can retire for good). I don’t have furniture that matches. I don’t have shelves that hold books. I don’t have, I don’t have, I don’t have. And I most definitely do not have butter in my fridge. (It seemed that if perhaps all the other pieces in life were going as planned…there would be butter in the fridge?)

Which is when I realized that I was amidst another crisis. A “being 28” life crisis. Just waiting for a Fwd to come through with an answer to this one, because I’m finding 28 an awkward phase in life. At this point you’re supposed to have learned from the past. Certain excuses don’t fly anymore. And for all intense purposes your stuff should be sorted. Not quite 30…far from 20…and there’s no going back.

My eclectic group of friends who are well in to their thirties, forties, and even fifties laugh at me – they think I’m melodramatic. “28 is young! You have tons of time!” I appreciate the perspective but in honesty, none of us know how much time any of us have. The only certainty is that the older you are there is a guarantee you have less time than before.

This is an age of “not enough” – where comparison is the plague. You judge what you don’t have versus focusing on what you do. When I was young I believed that by now I’d be married, with a big house and lots of kids. Instead I’m single, renting, and still feel like a kid. Not that I am complaining, I choose my life and my style. But it makes me wonder…am I falling behind? Am I running out of time? Am I less because I “don’t have” everything I thought I wanted? I don’t know. All I can do is take count of what I do have and believe it is exactly enough. And believe I have all the resources I need to be happy in my life, right now. . That, and get myself some butter.

©Desiree Daniel January 13, 2006

Ignorance Is Bliss

Ignorance is bliss. I never understood this concept before; it seemed like a contradiction in terms. Don’t we want to be in the know? Maybe no. The nature of “not knowing” allows you to behave freely. How liberating - to do things without the question of meaning.

The last decade of my life has been focused on “being aware” - look beyond the obvious and uncover purpose. Although interesting the pursuit to understand - is exhausting (and a little addictive – love those tarot cards). Once you start asking there is always another question to follow. Why did it happen? What does it mean? What did I learn… etcetera, etcetera.

When you linger in constant analysis – everything means something. And so, it becomes frustrating to see people - who don’t seek answers – get what they didn’t ask for. Like watching the health risk unfold with each drive thru or the heartbreaker jump from relationship to relationship – with no consciousness to change. Oblivious to a natural pattern they have chosen to create.

But being aware, you see it. You see it in yourself and you see it in others. You want to show, teach, explain, scream, sing, email – or do what ever it takes to open the eyes that are comfortably shut. Share the insight that will perhaps offer the slightest or drastic shift needed to make a positive difference.

Not everyone wants to receive it though. That is a reality and ignorance is bliss. A counselor once explained “they are behaving exactly as they should given their level of awareness.” As they live, I worry. As they experience, I question. As they accept, I analyze. Perhaps not everyone is meant to dissect life into tiny molecules of existence? Perhaps a heartbreak that instigated a new direction in my life wasn’t a lesson for everyone…but rather, just for me.

Sometimes, when you’ve learned a difficult lesson you have to ask– why? It’s a way to cope. But once you grasp the meaning, there is no turning back (even if you want to). You can’t pretend to not know what you know. Well, you can but than you’re a liar. The idea of being oblivious to the obvious is romantic – like untouched innocence. Living without thinking – open to anything without fear. Wouldn’t it be nice to be there again? Yes. I guess ignorance could be bliss, if I didn’t know any better.

© Desiree Daniel January 6, 2006