When Patience Becomes Waiting

What happens when patience becomes waiting?

Patience is a virtue. When embraced, it becomes part of your personal power, a deep-rooted disposition that guides you through life. Spiritual leaders, mentors, mothers – master the art of patience. Whether self-imposed or not, they’ve been enlightened and understand this delicate skill. Me?! Yeah, not so much.

There were many things I wanted to be when I grew up, and patient was one of them. Actually, let me rephrase. Growing up, there were many things I wanted and I wanted it pronto. To run, before I could crawl. To own before I could work. To be a success without doing anything. Apparently that is not how the journey works. They tell me, I have to stand “here”, before I get “there”. And in the midst of all the hankerings, one answer will remain constant (it has since I was 4 years old), “Desiree, be patient.”

“Be patient”. Wow, that seems to be the solution for everything – for all the things I crave and don’t have. And I have gotten better at this endurance – knowing that I don’t really have any say in the uncontrollable. But at this point, the real question is, when does patience become waiting?

A ponder that arose over morning breakfast. My friend started up on her past relationship, one that ebbed and flowed over four years of her life. Finally, it floated, away. She explained that changes needed to be made. And he knew that. But time passed, with lots of talk, but nothing was ever different. She told me that she is an extremely patient person, but sometimes her patience becomes waiting. It was wasted energy on something that wasn’t going to be.

In life, patience can be a great ache. How do you “be” patient? Webster says patience is “enduring trying circumstances with an even temper, without protest or complaint” (sounds simple on paper, let’s see how easy that is when you have three kids screaming, the phone is ringing, and you’re waiting for dinner to be ready). It’s a state-which means you have to find that feeling for you. It’s a hard one to grasp, because there is no “one-way” – it’s your way. Waiting on the other hand is simply, not acting; remaining in active. Are they one in the same? Well, sometimes waiting is what we need to do, in order to be patient. And other times, like my friend, it means it’s time to stop waiting, and move on. If you’re like me, and having trouble finding peace in patience, don’t give up. It’s there, in you, somewhere. After all, good things come to those who wait.

© Desiree Daniel November 24, 2005

Singleton

As one of the many neighbors in singlehood – I want to make sense of the land I live in. Watch, ask, listen…to the other singletons, just to ensure I am doing things right. But sometimes I get stuck. Single life. Please help me understand the rules to this secret society. For instance, is there such thing as “the one”?

The romantic side says – absolutely! How could there not be? Hollywood wouldn’t lie! From Jerry (you complete me) Maguire, to When Harry (guys and girls can’t be friends) Met Sally – we were raised to believe that every soul has a mate. And when you make the match you’ll know. How will you know? Well, when Faith Hill met husband Tim McGraw she said, “it felt like home” – a comfort that just fit; Cinderella to a glass slipper.

The idealist side says – absolutely not! (And stop comparing love to Hollywood). It’s about the moment. No longer is there a Mr. And Mrs. Right; it’s about Mr. And Mrs. Right Now. For if you believe in love at first sight, you will never stop looking. A mentor once shared that the idea of only one person for your lifetime, is a false hope. Even if you marry – there will be many people to love in different ways. It’s about trusting the moment and that where you are now is where you are meant to be.

Personally, each side offers an attractive argument. Which is where the confusion sets in. A debate with no real winner. Do you hold out for the one? Create a list of standards and wait (patiently) for the moment it all comes together with the right person. Or, do you go with the moment and explore the now? As a friend so delicately symbolized “you gotta kiss a lot of toads before you find a prince.” (And apparently it’s ok if some toads were only meant for kissing).

See, the irony in being a single is that we are usually on the lookout for a double. A person to fulfill a lifetime peace, or a piece of a lifetime; it’s nice to share time with another human being. So goes the search for “the one”. Does the one really exist? I believe it does, if you let it. Whether a romantic or an idealist – “the one” represents what matters to you. An intrigue that keeps you interested. Sometimes the one- the intrigue- can last an entire life span, other times it only lasts a coffee. Your power is in knowing when you want it, when you have it, and when you no longer need it. (As an aside for all the other singletons out there…I’ve decided the only true rule in being single is that you get to make it up as you go along, since…the essence of being single (one) it’s really all about you).
“The less you fall for the person everyone knows, and find the person no one knows, the more connected you become.”

A Little Piece on Embarrassment

It’s common to judge our actions after the fact. There is a reason why hindsight is twenty – twenty. If only I knew then, what I know now -life would be so much easier. But, you can’t turn back time and what’s done is done. There’s no need to feel the embarrassment of awkward situations (tripping in front of rush hour traffic). Right?! So, I find comfort in the theory that sometimes we do things to know we won’t do them again. It happened so we can learn from it (wear comfortable shoes and be cognizant of each step until you are safe on the other side of the road) and move on. Hopefully.

Embarrassment. We’ve all tangled ourselves in its web of self-consciousness. Those haunting moments that prove we may just be human – and not perfect. Thus in honor of being humbled I’ve compiled a list of things I hope I have learned from and therefore will not do again.

1. Making decisions after a few glasses of wine. Yes, this may seem like common sense but for some reason everything makes sense after a beverage. Like singing karaoke with no back up music…for example. But the lesson came to a head last week when my buddy and I decided to go to Capote-post vino. Some words of advice, don’t watch an intense drama after drinking an intense red. As a result, I fell asleep. And when asked to review the details of this golden globe nominee, about a North American icon, all I could say was “I need to watch it again, to really absorb the finer points of the film.”

2. Lip syncing with the curtains open. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining, and the music was blaring. I felt the urge to sing and dance and my mirror played the role of “audience” on my make belief stage. It wasn’t until I opened my eyes in mid lyric that I noticed another image in my mirror – that of a neighbour watching me from outside. Apparently if you can see out of the window…people can also see in.

3. Listening to myself on voice mail. I now realize - you leave messages for a reason. To leave it – not to revisit it over and over. There is a magical option on voice mail that allows you to listen to yourself and ensure your message is just perfect. Once I discovered this tool I became addicted. During the first dates with a new guy I utilized the feature “hey it’s Des…yada, yada, yada” (reviewed it – yikes-didn’t like the sound-redo) “hi, it’s Desiree how are you….yada yada yada” (reviewed it- yikes-didn’t like the sound-redo). Four times I went through this process, each one with a slightly different feel. What I didn’t know was that the person on the other line could in fact his screen calls and also listen to the “redo”. Finally he cut in and asked rather sarcastically “are you going to leave a message or not?”
Yes, there have been many occasions that I have learned from. At least that is what I tell myself when I cringe with feelings of “ew”. I am finding the more I get embarrassed, the less embarrassed I get. Especially when you can use the

A Year to Reflect

Happy New Year

“Five hundred, twenty five thousand, six hundred minutes -how do you measure a year in the life?”

Today I write in honor of 2005 with the musical Rent as my inspiration. This beautiful story of love sings about a collection of minutes– that make up a year, a life. Each day, each moment is a reflection of your life and your choices. It’s all in how you measure it - In daylights? In sunsets? In midnights? In cups of coffee?” With five hundred, twenty five thousand, six hundred minutes – what was 2005 for you?

Last December I wrote a “2005 manifesto” - a detailed list of goals dedicated for the New Year. I sit here now, in disbelief that yet another three hundred and sixty five days have moved in and out of me. This proposal I wrote for myself (a declaration to succeed), is only half completed. Only a portion can be ticked off as “completed”. Didn’t quite accomplish all I set out to do…but for some reason, this year, I am ok with that.

Something has changed. The things I wrote down a year ago have a different meaning today. Perhaps it’s the giddy lyrics of a musical that take me out of a mental stress, and release me into emotional freedom. “There is only this, there are only us, no day like today.” With a list of tangible goals in front of me, it’s the peace in knowing that I put energy into each one, even though some didn’t manifest. Being content with what I did do, the effort I put out is the most satisfying goal I’ve accomplished to date. An aspiration, I never even knew I wanted.

When we were young, we measured growth by our height, our weight and our ability to “do” things. As an adult, it seems the subtleties are what make a difference. Growth becomes an evolution of emotion and understanding. Sometimes, I’m amazed to think about the person I was a year ago, a month ago, even a week ago…and notice all the little lessons that crossed my path. It’s easy to feel far away from that girl.

A friend once referred to this as his “past life” – the person he was a lifetime ago. The girl I was a year ago. The person I am today. It’s nice to know that even when if feels like we aren’t moving forward, we can reflect on time, and see how far we’ve come. Many things can happen in five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes, and it goes by fast. So like a clock, make each second count. And Happy New Year to you all!

© Desiree Daniel December 1, 2005

A Beautiful Revolution?

A Beautiful Revolution?

Blonde wigs tossed high in he air, “flaws” honored with smiles and laughter, bodies of all shapes and sizes. Since the inception of Dove’s Campaign For Real Beauty, women are finally challenging the public idea of beauty. Rather than using a cookie cutter image of female branding – Dove is marketing real women. Perfect in their imperfections. A fact of life-that media and outside stereotypes have disguised for far too long. Now, Dove is challenges those ideals and recognizes natural women. Perhaps this is the start of a beautiful – revolution.

Personally, this movement is very close to my heart. When I worked as a life coach, most of my time focused on helping women claim their confidence and power. Women who wanted to be ok with their J-Lo butt, or love handle tummy. But felt denied of that right, because TV, magazines, billboards…said otherwise. What happens to confidence when images claimed as “normal” don’t look anything like you?

That’s been the challenge. For individuals to find beautiful in what they are, not what they aren’t. Sadly, many women are afraid of their bodies because of false representation. I always wondered what life would be like without mirrors to judge. Would we recognize our differences? Or would we honor them?

Last year at the Women Wrapped in Chocolate Fundraiser, Rhonda Draper, a powerful speaker, shared her personal story. Moments before her presentation, my friend and I were complaining about how we looked (the typical – don’t like my arms, don’t like my hips in this dress etc etc). As she spoke – the audience listened. Rhonda survived a horrific car crash, but had to have her face completely reconstructed. She told us about the surgeries, and the pain and the fear of feeling ugly. Her true battle was not in recovering from the ordeal, but in rather finding a true place of beauty inside. I am not sure one person blinked in the forty minutes it took her to describe her victory. We all felt her words. And suddenly, I felt so fortunate to have my body (hips and all) that I was mortified by the dishonor to myself only minutes before.

If what you have right now, was taken away from you, would losing an extra 10 pounds, or having smaller thighs really matter? We’ve all heard it before, I challenge you to believe it – beautiful is a state of being. An acceptance. Find power in your imperfections and feel confident with what you have to offer. And may be, we can help transform the idea of beauty and really create a beautiful revolution.

© Desiree Daniel December 1, 2005