A Greener Grass

We’re all familiar with the phrase “the grass is always greener on the other side”. In other words, we want what we can’t have. It’s an underlying plague that many of us experience everyday, in one way or another. Even if it’s a mere daydream, it’s there. A way to escape reality. Married people who wish they were single, single people who wish they were married. Women, who want a “good guy” but then when they get him, desperately miss the “bad guy”. People, who want freedom, people who want routine, people who want to loose weight, people who want to gain weight. It goes on and on. Why do we always want what we can’t have?

This topic came to light during an email with a reader who had just ended her relationship. She knew it was over. Their partnership had stagnated, and he could no longer give her what she needed. But, as time moved on, and she had to sit in her decision, her mind started to play games with her. “Was it really that bad? Would she ever meet anyone else? Was he the one?” The questions didn’t stop, probably ignited by the fact that his life went on without her.

Desperately, she began challenging her choice, and wondering if she had made the right decision. Even though, deep down, she knew she had. Her inquiry to me, was simply…why is the grass always greener on the other side?

When we don’t have something, we can make it into what ever we want it to be! Our minds are brilliant that way. The life we don’t have can seem absolutely flawless. Isn’t it refreshing to think life’s troubles, could disappear instantly by simply attaining the new job, the new partner, the new house, the new car…etc. etc. Whether it’s remembering how things once were, or fantasizing how things could be, we create those thoughts as pure perfection in order to feel fulfilled. Happy. Even if it is for a moment.

But is the grass really greener? Or is it in our minds? I do believe this is a syndrome of human kind, and must therefore be dealt with. For those of you fighting these symptoms, and wishing for a perfectly manicured lawn, first, take the time to appreciate what you do have and what you have accomplished in your life.

Secondly, if it is triggered because you are unhappy with an aspect in your life, then you need to do a reality check with what is missing. Lateral moves or changes (new job, partner, etc) don’t help unless you deal with the underlying issue. Be honest with yourself. Usually, there is a deep-rooted emotion related to a “not enough” feeling. Believing that you are either not enough to have what you want or what you have is not enough.

Some questions to ask yourself when the “grass is looking greener”-What will that give me that I don’t already have? What could I do with what I have that would give me the same fulfillment? Why do I believe it will be better on the other side? What if it’s not? Why don’t I have the “other side” now? Take a close look at your answers. You may be surprised. Is the grass really greener, or is it just a perfectly manicured field of astro turf? Be confident in your choices and trust your decisions, you made them for a reason.

Serendipity

Fate. The supposed force, or power that predetermines events. Some believe, many don’t. Those who do - trust life’s path is already set, nothing is a coincidence, and everything is part of a master plan. I am one of those people. And even though I feel we have powers of choice, I feel our life is destined. Perhaps it’s my comfort. An explanation, for happenings, that don’t otherwise make sense. Everything for a reason. Right? That is what I tell myself, but sometimes it’s still hard to trust.

Last weekend I met a person who made me believe, again, in fate. Not that I ever lost faith, but sometimes, when things aren’t always flowing as you wish they would, you get frustrated with the process. Before meeting him, for the brief time that I did, I had asked myself a question (out loud for the universe to hear). He answered the question with out even knowing there was a question to answer. And as he disappeared, into the crowd of the night, my life, my current situation, became clearer.

Even though it was only for a moment, the connection was instant. A feeling that made me pay attention -to me. And realize, wow. I really can have what I want. I just need the courage to say no to the things that aren’t fulfilling, and more importantly, declare yes, to the things that are.

And so now, as I desperately struggle to recapture that moment, in my mind, I find myself frustrated that it is over. Done. The brief butterfly that flew away and left a tiny wing to flutter. It had to be fate. Or else, I would feel really cheated from this feeling. A friend suggested, I was trying to hard. That is the problem. We hold on to keep these feelings alive and as a result, contain them. Cage the motion, instead of releasing it free into the open.

Moments (and relationships too -no matter how brief they may be) are fluid, like liquid. Yet we try to solidify them and make them concrete. When fate comes into your life, it’s to make you believe –in a person, or a feeling. But mostly, it arrives for you to believe in yourself. That it, what ever it is for you, really does exist. Unfortunately, once the moment goes away, life goes on. These amazing things happen, to us, but its still just about putting one foot in front of the other, and living the day to day. It’s kind of a hard reality to grasp when you get a taste of something fabulous, and it disappears. Or is it? Perhaps, fate is whether or not you’ve learned a lesson. And whether or not you integrate those moments in life, instead of resenting that they are over.

Saying Goodbye

Change means the beginning of something new. It also means saying good-bye to what was. When you end something, whether it is a relationship, a career, a vacation…a piece of your identity goes with it.

During an interview with an extraordinary woman, I asked about the scariest and most daring thing she had ever done. She wore composure like a finely pressed suit. Poised and confident, her mind raced. Others had answered with everything from water rafting to overseas traveling, so I was expecting almost anything. She sat there, trying on the question word-by-word, staring at me. I wasn’t sure if she was stuck, or if it was something else was happening, but it took her a moment to speak.

As she fought the well in her eyes, and the scratch in her throat, she apologized, “I didn't know it went this deep. It was ending my marriage. You see, when you divorce, you lose your past, your present and your future.”

Her words just sat in the room staring at me. We could both feel the emotions stirring. Although her divorce was on old story, it was many years ago, the affect it had on her was very present. It changed everything she once knew, and challenged her to trust the unknown.

When change happens, you linger, in between here and there as if in no man’s land. I’ve been stuck there before, it wasn’t a divorce but it was a breakup. And as I worked on the “new Des”, I struggled with three fates. Fighting for my future, resolving my past, and trying to understand my present. In fact somedays I feel like I am still there. It’s a tough concept to accept with ease – change. Good in theory, but a little hard on the system.

When we embrace new things, the world we know looks different. And even though change is good, as it offers possibility, and growth, our bodies, minds, emotions, get shaken up in the transition. We can forget who we are. A friend once said, in reference to his break up, “well, she moved on, but I am still packing.” It was a brilliant metaphor. She, moving on with life, he, still sorting through the left over pieces of what was. As this fall approaches, and many of us take on the changes that come with the wind, be patient in the transition. Trust the process, and know that even though you may be saying good-bye to one thing, something new is on its way.

© Desiree Daniel September 2, 2005

The Difference Between Needing and Wanting

Deep down I know the difference between needing and wanting. Needs are for survival - the “must haves” in life. And, from what I understand, the three basic needs have always been food, shelter, and clothing. So, honoring those essentials, I wonder, at what point does a need, become a want? Because with all the “end of season” sales right now, I am really having troubles distinguishing if I really need that gorgeous green velvet blazer, or if I want it because it is 30% off.

Wandering through the mall last weekend, I, as usual, was drawn to a launch of red signs declaring 30% off, 50% off, 2 for 1. Clothes, shoes, accessories…you name it and the bargain was there. Immediately, panic rushed through me, a fear that if I did not get moving, I would miss out on something fabulous that would make my life so much better. The next thing I know I am standing at a $5 dollar rack, scooping up anything that was in my size. After standing in a twenty-minute line up, I finally made it into a private haven, the change room.

I don’t know if it was the time I had to think, or the pile of clothes waiting for me to try on, but suddenly, the rush of excitement went away. Yes, the articles were only five bucks apiece, but did I really need them? (not to mention when you add all the articles together, $80 wasn’t that cheap anymore!). And at a closer glance, in a conscious state, I don’t know if I even liked them. There I was, seduced by a want. Again.

And it doesn’t stop at retail. The basic need of food is confusing too! What do you do when the scrumptious cinnamon buns scream “EAT ME” from the lunchroom? As food, it is a need, yet I usually don’t want it until I smell the cinnamon from the oven. So does that make it a need? Or a want? Thankfully, I need not worry about the shelter thing yet, since I haven’t even thought about getting into real-estate yet. I can only imagine where that overwhelm will take me.

For piece of mind, I decided to look into this need/want thing. I figure it was time to get this straight once and for all (and quite frankly, I am proud to get to this point since, in the past, I would have spent the $80 bucks on clothes I didn’t need just cause they were on sale). Apparently, the difference between a need and want is that wants are things that make your life easier or more enjoyable. Wants are not essential; they are the "would like to have's" or the "nice to have's" in life. Hmm. Don’t know if that makes things any easier, but it does clarify a few things. At the root of life, we meet our needs. Sometimes we get to fulfill them with things we actually want. The confusion comes, when we drive life by the wants, forgetting the primal purpose of why we want it. To survive. Yes, it would be fantastic if the cinnamon bun, and green velvet blazer were essential needs. But, alas they’re not. Unless of course, if I was starving and naked.